FORGIVENESS

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~ as written by Linda Kavelin Popov
Virtues Project Reflection Cards

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MY TWO SENSE:

This virtue hit me like a WHACK upside the head. I have spent the last 30 years thinking that the choice I made to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me was the healthiest one. In reality that choice may have left me quite un-finished. I have truly believed that I had no hidden resentments; no unresolved issues. I believed that my choice to protect myself was enough to equal the karma that forgiving can create. I believed I had nothing to hide from, nothing to deal with and nothing to mend. A few days ago when I picked this card, I discerned how wrong I was. I went into some deep, dark places with the light of forgiveness and I recognized that I have buried some pretty important nuggets. These nuggets are long forgotten and seemingly disregarded but when I reflect on the "climate" of my present life, this light clearly shows me that I have only managed to hide. 

What am I hiding from and how has it compromised my progress? These are the questions I have been focused on over the last 4 days. I have some answers and I still am open to the questions. I believe I have been unknowingly hiding in my belief that if I am not twisted up about an issue, then I must be okay. Wrong! It's called denial folks and it comes as a double edged sword. The immediate result is peaceful but deep down inside, it clouds my eyes, my capacity to believe. I have realized that denial can easily leave me in a false state of calm and regardless of how I rationalize it in my mind, my body is the one who has to manage the stress of the silent emotional hijacking. 

Now 30 years later, I see the problem with burying issues rather than practicing true forgiveness. You see: It is my silence, enveloped by untrue beliefs that manifest what lay in the very depth of my being and where that burden of denial manifests. I at 50, am experiencing a new phase of who I really am. Is this a midlife crisis, like menopause predicts? Today, I wonder if it is more about the need to practice forgiveness in some very specific areas that will allow me to release myself to choose a new path. Time will tell.

CHEERFULNESS

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~ as written by Linda Kavelin Popov
Virtues Project Reflection Cards

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MY TWO SENSE:

Recently I spent time with some wonderful women from the First Nations community and I heard that "women hold the emotional centre" in the family. I have considered this concept in relation to my own family and wonder, how long can I be the emotional barometer? How do I reflect the conditions of this dynamic? If I am the only one who sees a problem, where does that leave me? Well, it's not cheerfulness that I am reflecting that much I know, and I feel like I've been in a holding pattern. So, when this card picked me this morning, I even felt cheerful.

"What a great way to start my day", I thought. I relate and respond well to cheerfulness. Through-out my adult life I was chronically optimistic and cheerful which became a character trait that people admired in me. Now, at the turn of the half-century, I feel I am more at the opposite end of the spectrum. And now facing this page and the virtue of cheerfulness, I am truly haunted by the shadows and all of the barriers to cheerfulness that life has thrown my way. So, in considering the wisdom of the card, I ask myself, "What is on the bright side of my life?", "what does cheerfulness look like from my vantage point?" Reading what Cheerfulness means generates a mindfulness: to call upon the strength I need to look beyond the shadows; and it calls me to trust the process. 

This is a perfect pick for me today because as you may sense I am wrestling with my past, present and future. So what happened to switch my optimistic cheerfulness off? And more importantly, how do I turn it back on? The question, "How can I just get on with being cheerful?" makes me suddenly aware of how difficult it is to 'put on a brave face' in the company of cheerful people. I am truly grateful for this understanding as it serves as a mirror that reflects to me how un-cheerful I can be. That's a tough nugget to swallow in a modern world where the majority of folks face "unhappiness" issues with a prescription that perhaps helps them deal with the symptoms. For me, that solution is not an option. I just want to shine the light on what's lurking in the shadows and then either clear-up the path or create a new one. I look forward to expressing more cheerfulness in my life and in this blog. So for today, I begin a promise to bring cheerfulness into my life by doing something just for me; I will mindfully move around those shadows and honour my commitments; I will give service to do a simple task to make life easier for someone else and I will pray for joy!

STEADFASTNESS

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~ as written by Linda Kavelin Popov
Virtues Project Reflection Cards

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MY TWO SENSE:

In considering the list above I realize that I am doing a lot to support Steadfastness in my life. I'm not saying I am perfect or there isn't room for improvement, I'm saying it wasn't until I saw "I don't allow doubts or tests to blow me off course" that I recognized a place to really grow. The rest of the points I feel for the most part, I have a handle on. I am mindful about what I say yes to and I often say no when the task is not on my path; I remain true to my purpose which is at this point figuring out exactly what my purpose is, then making a plan and going for it; I pace myself with time to work, garden, rest, play, time for myself and time with family and friends. I am faithful to my relationships by being actively involved in cultivating the best for all; I take what comes and I persevere. Where I see a need for growth is in not allowing tests and doubts to blow me off course. This has been a recent challenge for me that I am aware of and working on. 

I have been reviewing my life-history in order to uncover any harmful beliefs I may have taken-on in my life and I found a couple of doozies. Let me talk about one in particular and make it clear that I hold no fault in my mother who was party to what may be the root of them all. I have a distinct recollection of being 2 or 3 years old, standing at my bedroom window, watching my mom driving away and crying my eyes out. My frame of mind was in panic and despair, my heart was breaking and my imagination was feeding me completely wrong information. You see in those moments, night after night I cried my eyes out watching my mother leave for work, believing she was leaving me. Over and over I knew in my heart that I would NEVER see her again. Through the rationale of my impressionable mind, I believed it and nothing, not even seeing her in the morning, would convince me otherwise. Day after day I would repeat this experience and although I don't know how long I carried on, it was long enough to leave a lasting impression. I recall being absolutely amazed that the depth of my love and my pain was not enough to turn her car around. I remember imagining that if she could see me and hear the pain in my cries, that I could bring her back to me. I saw her look up at me standing in the window... I thought she must have heard me, her window was down. She smiled and waved and drove away. This sealed the deal and I remember my knees going week and dropping in a heap on the floor -- I implanted the idea within myself that I was not important enough. 

The science of neuroplasticity is showing us that the "beliefs" we acquire (consciously and unconsciously) can lay claim in our hearts and act as the under-tone of what we consciously believe. Up until recently I had forgotten this experience and what is simply amazing to me is that my 2 year old irrational logic got trapped in the trauma and wrapped with all the sights, sounds and smells, reinforcing my beliefs of the experience. Our body remembers too.

So our beliefs are steadfast in nature too and designed to trigger our survival instincts. Whether true or untrue, they serve as the underpinning of who we really are. So, I have journeyed into the shadow here and discovered this untrue belief about myself and through steadfastness, I trust I will also find my way out of this place.