CLARITY is EVERYTHING

CLARITY is EVERYTHING but Passion GIVES Purpose!

Artist: Zoe Boekbinder (featuring Julie Odell)

Song: "What Have I Done?"

Initiative: Prison Music Project 

• What drives your passion? 
• In good times and bad, passion is fuel for my Soul. 

This beautiful initiative was born of Passion finding Purpose and I appreciate the music coming out of her YouTube Initiative. I sure do empathize with her passion. I was invited to the Ulster County Correctional Facility (from Canada to the State of N.Y.) to deliver a 12-hour Father Involvement Program we were piloting. That 2 day experience helped to shape me as a Facilitator. The stories told, I believe had a deep and profound impact on everyone there, especially me. 

I was given the mandate of working with the Father Involvement portfolio within my job (I didn't seek it). It is not lost on me that I do not have a relationship with my father because he was not a great role model in my life. In fact, quite the opposite. He was toxic since before my day 1.

So, Dear Zoe, I can relate to this song on so many levels it has inspired me to write here and (no offence to you) I am inspired to dedicate this song to him today. Just for today! I believe I know what I did to deserve his disengagement - let's be clear - when I say "deserve" I'm ONLY speaking about how HE would justify himself. I won't go into my story, that is not important. And I am no longer a victim. What is important is remembering, that as people we all make choices. My choices responding to and layered on top of his choices... are just so complicated. 

Bottom Line? My father made choices that he couldn't face. Instead of facing the truth of his actions, he hid (from it. from me). He stayed far away, which was a blessing in disguise. Sadly I carried a lot of 'bad daughter' guilt of my own because of his disengagement. It's messed up. He brought that shadow, from his own guilt & shame and he put that one IN me by NOT owning up & making amends. He simply couldn't face his own guilt when he looked at me. So, he projected his shame onto me & I owned it like a trooper.

Sitting with that right now!

And, funny enough (but not funny at all) I've been wrestling with all this for decades... the shadow work over the years, peels away in layers... 

So, today when I came across Zoe's story... and a few songs later... "What Have I Done?" really spoke to me. I see now, that I'm in a different place every time I revisit this wound. 

And I may be closing in on forgiveness.

Barbara Mackenzie

11:11am | 11.17.2020
Southern Ontario, Canada

P.S. I don't blame or hate him - narcissism helps to shape us too. [R.I.P.]