This is one ongoing multi layered detangling that I have been working with my whole life. When an issue isn't fully dealt with, a Shadow can still be left behind to distort. Fidelity was an issue in my house, in fact my dad was having a full-blown affair with Mom's best friend for years, and while pregnant with me! I often wonder if I sensed what she was going through. Infidelity broke her heart.
One shadow grew in me after chasing my sister (who was chasing our dads car) down the road crying, "it's my birthday." We were supposed to be in that car but he came and left without us and no excuse made that events heartbreak any better. Added to that is the shadow that had grown from feeling insignificant. He had a special knack for that, a glance or a remark could cut straight through. His timing might have been the most corrosive part and those shadows still lurk. He was never earlier than four hours late. I never felt important. He always had a reason, putting his needs before our own. That day, we had been waiting in our new birthday dresses with suitcases on the varanda step - all day. When he finally arrived to pick us up, my mom said something (probably about how disappointed we were and how we'd been waiting all day) he took offense, flew into a rage and, to pay her a lesson for scolding him, left without us. (I was 4 yrs old) That shadow still lingers.
Over and over fidelity, whether in abandonment or a socially acceptable disengagement like non-custodial parenting can do, promoted and sustained this result, the perpetual breakdown of trust & truth. And worth.
I know now that my father was a narcissist and somehow I have always known that I am better off that he left in 1963 when I was 2. As a result today I am fiddling with ALL OF THIS. These are my core-wound lessons in Fidelity, exposed. I believe as I learn to wrestle with the ALL shadows left behind in my confusion I will learn to dance with healing the deep sense that it's all my fault EVEN WHEN I KNOW that (that) is not true. I trust the healing will come. I have to deal with his infidelity to stop the bleeding. I am incredibly sensitive to Fidelity. This shadow has been manifesting itself and reacting to all the ways that people show up for me, in my life. The slightest whiff of infidelity, and this shadow surfaces in battle gear to keep me safe.
Barbara Mackenzie
Southern Ontario, Canada
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